17 October 2011
I think that one of the things that people don't know about me is how sexual I am.
And how vulgar I am.
Or at the very least.
The vast amount of sexual knowledge that I possess.
Or even more basic than that.
How sexual I can actually be (as compared to them.)
I'm generally referring to the people around me.
My friends.
My acquaintances.
My family.
Strangers who see me around.
I really think that none of them are aware of the sort of freaky I am capable of.
I curse, you know.
I know to myself doesn't count.
But I do.
A lot of times that I'm about to blurt one out, I realize that I'm in the company of those who don't and have never seen that part of me, so I restrain myself and say crap instead of shit or fish instead of fuck or just mother without the fuck(er).
I'm self-restrictive that way.
And you know.
I've never had sex.
But I'm very certain that I'd be good at it.
Or that I would know how to enjoy it.
Relish it.
So no.
I am not innocent.
Just a loser who knows a lot about sex sans the experience to boot.
One of the ways that this dirty animal inside of me manifests itself is through my outrageous, weird and outrightly strange demeanour whenever I'm around some of my friends.
Trust me when I say weird.
I am like weird.
Like nonsense spits out of my mouth.
I'm able to quite figuratively make shit happen whenever I feel like it.
It's mostly an insecurity kind of thing.
You know how people overcompensate with humour?
I do that.
Just that I go a step further and sometimes (or a lot of times) cross the line of weirdness.
But it's not completely strange.
To me.
If I'm comfortable enough to, in a paradoxical sense, let down my guard and be weird with you.
I don't see why you can't receive it graciously.
I mean.
You don't have to understand the crap that I'm spouting.
But it doesn't mean that you have to be mean or awkward about it.
I mean.
Fucking take it with lumps of salt.
I'm trying to lighten the mood with my weird humour.
I don't get why you feel the need to bring it down with taking things so seriously.
Yes.
You're not supposed to take whatever I say seriously.
But what would you prefer?
A dull dumbfuck who doesn't want to interact or a friendly freak (who, in case you're too stupid realize, actually gives you a reason to pat yourself on the back for being normal.)
You seriously don't see it?
It amazes me, really.
How some people don't know how to appreciate friendliness.
Even if it's packaged in a form of strange and outrageous jokes.
You know.
I don't know how to respond to stupidity or rudeness when all I'm being is nice to you.
You don't have to appreciate the things I do or say.
But don't subject me to your judgmental ways when I'm not even being mean to you.
I mean, really.
Bitch, please.
I can make a million and one remarks about the kind of wrong that you are.
But I don't.
Because I know that underneath that hard, brutal exterior.
Is someone who's been tormented and bullied and picked on for not living up to convention.
So don't even get me started with you, okay?
Make all the jokes you want about how I walk on my toes.
About how I'm most likely to impregnate a man first than a woman.
About how I'm a girl.
It hurts, yeah.
But I'm getting used to it.
Trying to, at least.
May never.
But you never know.
Just know that I wouldn't drag myself to that level.
Because years of mental torture has made me wiser.
I know better.
And perhaps, to some extent.
My parents taught me better.
Enough about you.
To all of you.
Who keep saying that there's only girls in the CCA.
First of all.
You're stupid for bringing down the CCA to such an expected, overplayed stereotype.
Too stupid.
And especially those directed to me.
I have this to say.
Doesn't it bother you that I'm able to be a much better girl than you are even though I have a dick?
That you probably could never measure up.
I know that could be used against me and my lack of boy-ish attributes.
But at least I'm ostensibly secure enough of myself to not have to take out my fucked up insecurities out on others.
If you think about it.
There's no use to having a vagina if you don't know what to do with it.
Me, on the other hand.
I know the sort of wonders my dick can do.
But you know.
What's the point of having a dick if I'm never going to get some?
I guess cat got my tongue this time.
1:42 AM
