30 September 2011
Okay.
I get that you're trying to be more open with me.
Make me feel more of a brother.
But I'm sorry.
I don't do that kind of thing.
Growing up, I've never opened up to the family.
And I don't intend to start doing so anytime soon.
I don't mind talking about how my day went.
Little things that are detached from any emotional baggage.
But just don't expect me to do it all the time.
Don't expect me to want to be in your company all the time.
Because I'm so used to having my own space.
To having no one to talk to.
And I most certainly don't want to talk to you all of the time.
No offence.
That's the kind of thing that I grew up with.
And I'm not willing to let it go.
Just like how going out for lunch yesterday made me realize.
Just because I don't go out often.
Doesn't mean I don't have a life.
I'd very much rather stay at home or do my own things.
Then stand around or walk around doing nothing.
Talking is nice I guess.
But I don't like it when you sit down and keep trying to squeeze out every little thing to talk about.
Don't get me wrong.
I appreciate the gesture and I think that talking is important.
But to me.
The more I talk.
The more I express myself under informal circumstances.
The more I reveal a little bit more about myself.
And that kills me.
To have everyone think that they can figure you out just by the things that you say.
To know that you can prevent that from happening by just not talking.
But you have to talk because it's only right.
Nah.
I don't like it that way.
So no.
I don't like going out a lot.
I don't mind going out sometimes.
I do prefer to do a lot of things by myself.
I'm used to having a lot of space to myself.
Personal space, if you may.
So any sudden attempt at reaching out to me and knowing more about me.
When all this while we don't even spill our hearts out to each other.
It puts me off.
And I don't like it.
I can try to change.
I don't have to, mind you.
I can try.
But even change takes time.
And change isn't necessarily always good.
So.
Don't expect a lot from me.
Call me weird.
Or not normal.
But I really don't care.
I large portion of my life has been spent worrying and bothered by what others think of me.
How much I'm different and weird.
And wrong.
I really don't want to have to go through the rest of my life.
Having to force myself to conform.
It's okay to be different.
It's not always good to be different.
But you don't have to conform.
I don't have to restrict myself to what everyone thinks is right.
If you think there's something wrong with me for being me.
Then clearly there's something tragically wrong with you.
Don't go around asking me why I'm so gay.
Or so much like a girl
"Amirul, why are you so gay?"
How the fuck do you expect me to answer that?
It's like asking someone.
Why are you so stupid?
So ugly?
So annoying?
How does one fucking answer such a stupid question?
If you want to say something to the person just say it.
But if you know that you're going to hurt the person.
Then think about what you're going to say.
But really.
Don't let stupidity or a lack of social consideration get the better of you and ask such a stupid question.
At the end of the day.
I guess what I'm trying to say is.
I'm tired of having to correct myself all of the time,
To check if I'm walking correctly.
If I'm postured the right way.
Just because a circle can't fit into a square doesn't mean there aren't any other shapes.
Just because I have a penis and two fucking balls doesn't mean I need to be muscular.
It doesn't mean I have to play sports.
Doesn't mean I have to fucking love soccer.
It doesn't mean I have to be a jerk.
But it also doesn't mean that just because I'm effeminate, that it makes me a woman.
The world doesn't have to work under such narrow constraints.
No one should be subjected to convention simply because others are so fucking judgmental.
That's just selfish.
I know that sounds ironic.
But it is.
2:48 PM
