17 September 2011
Let's talk about suicide.
I take suicide really seriously.
At least that's what I tell myself.
I hate it when someone belittles the issue of suicide.
(And mind you, I'm not including suicide by those who are really mentally-challenged.)
I hate it when someones says things.
Like.
Those who commit suicide don't think.
That they're dumb.
Stupid.
For me, it's never that easy.
It never is.
You can say that those who commit suicide only desire an easy way out.
Because they're too lazy to try.
Too weak to pull through.
But do you know how much effort it actually takes to get to thinking about suicide?
That there's so much that goes on in their minds that brought them to the idea of suicide.
Worries. Suffering. Pain. Hurt. Loneliness. Standstill. Confusion. Loss. Frustration.
Any amount of all those things and more.
No one JUST commits suicide.
Reasons vary but they are no less insignificant.
For every reason someone takes his own life, there is need to pause.
To understand and appreciate why someone jumped off a building, slit his throat or stood in front of a car.
No one should ever die in vain.
And even if you don't agree with one's reasons for committing suicide.
The least that every one of us has to do.
Should do.
Is learn and comprehend.
Because more people are bound to commit suicide.
And you never know.
You could be the person to prevent that from happening to someone else.
Or even.
To yourself.
I don't think I'll ever commit suicide.
Mostly because I don't know what's going to happen the moment I hit the ground, the moment the metal touches my throat.
I could still be alive.
I could be suffering.
In pain.
Paralyzed.
Scarred for life.
Or I could die and not know what happen.
I know religion has dictated the outcome of suicide.
The outcome of death.
But really.
Who knows what will happen when you take your own life?
When you die?
Truly?
So remember.
Don't ever talk about suicide like it's some water-cooler conversation.
Don't tell me to jump out the window and treat it like a joke.
Because I've contemplated a lot of things before, that being one of them.
Because it's real.
Because it's more than that.
Because no one should ever die in vain.
No one should die in vain.
No one.
It's sad that many do.
---
And a note to you.
You said that I'm annoying today.
Do you know what I was itching to reply to that?
That you're fucking irritating almost every week.
That I feel demoralized everytime I'm around you.
When the least that I ask of you is to just teach me.
Simple.
But you treat me like I'm a piece of shit.
There's a reason why I get you to teach me.
You know everything.
You're smart.
I'm stupid.
I get it.
Don't keep pointing that out to me and think that it'll make me any less stupid.
If anything, it makes me feel even more stupid.
Sometimes I don't understand why you waste your time by asking me a question I clearly not know the answer to and for some reason keep expecting that I have all of the answers at the back of my hand.
Even after I pause and stare for what feels like an eternity.
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW THE ANSWER.
I need you to teach me so that I'll know.
I don't mean to be rude.
But really, you're so fucking unreasonable.
And it's tiring.
So fucking tiring.
To have to sit through two hours every week and be tormented by your belittlement.
NO, I DON'T REMEMBER.
My memory fails me.
I'm not a calculator.
Help me remember.
Help me.
Help me and stop doing the contrary.
I need your knowledge but I don't need the snide that comes with.
It's depressing.
That's what it is.
So.
Fucking.
Depressing.
12:42 PM
