09 August 2011
These past few days, since the end of Dramafest.
I've been feeling like I'm constantly at the verge of tears.
Like my lungs are soaked in tears.
And like it's about to burst at every second.
And it's not because of Dramafest.
Not at all.
I think it's more of the conversation I had with her at 1am, as she drove me home.
The things said.
The realities put forward.
It was all so sad.
Just downright painful.
But you know.
My conversations with her are the closest I have to the conversations I have with myself.
And they're the most cathartic.
But they always leave me heavy.
We don't tell each other every detail.
Just enough.
Enough because the rest is understood.
The loneliness is beyond implied.
It is fact.
It is there.
And it's still there.
I look up to her as the one person who's actually likeable.
As a person.
As a human.
As someone who acknowledges her imperfections and knows that the world is full of shit.
And that life isn't as easy and normal as people make it out to be.
That bullshit really is bullshit.
And nothing less.
So I feel comfortable telling her things I'd never tell anyone else.
Because I know she has no reason to tell anyone else.
We don't speak or meet often.
But when there's opportunity for us to.
I'm always looking forward to it.
You know, how people have other people to turn to to tell how their day went?
Yeah.
She's like the person I turn to ever so occasionally, to tell how my life has been.
Because I keep everything to myself everyday.
There's no one to talk to.
So I keep them to myself.
These thoughts that roll off my fingers instead of my tongue.
I let some of them go when I'm with her.
But she's sad too.
We're sad people.
Sad and tired.
It gets tiring.
She agrees.
That sometimes you just want someone special to be there at the end of the day.
To just be there.
Because keeping everything to yourself gets tiring.
Really, really tiring.
A lot of people have no clue how it feels like.
Yeah, maybe it feels like the heaviness that I've been feeling lately.
But it's scary though.
Because, to me, she's the best there is.
But she's sad too.
And lonely.
And I truly believe she will find the right person for herself.
But the way it seems, she doesn't seem to believe so for herself.
And that makes me scared.
I know she said that I'm still young and that I still have a lot going on for me.
But what about her?
She's the one role model I truly look up to.
And if she doesn't believe, how can I?
But I will.
Because I must.
Because I want her to be happy.
And I want to at least know that there's a chance.
Even if it's in the slightest.
A chance that I could be happy to.
Maybe not now.
But sooner.
Or later.
I hope it's sooner though.
Because I want to love.
And I want to be loved.
I really do.
I want someone for myself.
I want to be someone's.
I don't want fantasies anymore.
Even if they're the next best thing.
It's pathetic.
To keep fantasizing.
I want something real.
I want to feel.
I want to touch and really feel the love.
I have my eyes on someone right now.
And I really wish that something can happen.
That we're on the same field.
That I don't have to go through the next 1.5 years pining and hoping for something to happen.
Much like how I've spent the past 4.5 years.
I think I have something for the straight ones.
The ones that I can never get.
But honestly though.
I don't even know who's not straight around me.
I'm a sucker for the straight ones.
I'm stupid and foolish and stubborn that way.
But what can I do?
I'll just keep hoping.
You never know.
Maybe if I crush on someone enough it could actually come true.
And I'm hoping this one comes true.
Because I really need to move on with my life.
I need to move on from you.
I need to let go of you.
No, I've never had you.
Except for in my head.
You bastard.
That's the kind of doucheness that messes with people.
It messed with me.
It robbed me of years.
And it's still robbing me of my time.
Though to a smaller extent.
But whatever.
You're not worth my time.
I'm trying to move on to the next one.
On to the next one.
I'll end off with saying this.
Thank you, Ms. Sara, for showing me that there is hope among the billions of us. That humanity is full of shit but there's someone like you and that there may be more out there. And that sadness and loneliness exists. And that no matter how down either of us are, we have each other to remind us that we're not really that alone.
Just lonely.
You're the best. And quite frankly, I think you may have saved my life.
So.
Thank you.
1:23 AM
