11 August 2011
Hmm.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to tell if someone is not straight.
Because sometimes even the most ostensible of straight ones can end up being gay.
Take Neil Patrick Harris for instance.
I like to tell myself that there's always a small possibility that someone is gay.
Actually, I also like to tell myself that some people just are not gay. At all.
My gaydar screws up everytime I see someone I'm interested in.
I can't tell if the person is or isn't straight.
Because I'm hoping that he's not.
Which usually leads me into long periods of delusion.
With you, I can never really tell, but the possibility that you are gay almost always equal to the possibility that you're not.
Even though you've admitted that you're not.
But I don't believe you.
I really don't.
I think you lied.
And I think you're still lying.
But with this one.
This new person that I'm interested in.
It's so much harder to tell.
On the surface, you seem straight through and through.
But there are certain subtle and minor instances that could show otherwise.
You're the one whom I hope is the Neil Patrick Harris kind.
Because I think you're really attractive.
And I don't know you at all, but from the little that I think I know, I think that you're a fun and interesting person to be around.
And you look like the kind who'd have a lot to provide in a relationship.
Because I think you're the kind who's never been in a relationship too.
I really, really want you to not be straight.
Urgh.
I want to have a chance too, damn it.
I realize that lately I've been discussing more openly about my apparently dead love life.
I think it's because I really want to be in a relationship.
Not just a friendship, but a relationship.
Maybe a friendship would be okay, because there's always the possibility of homoerotic tendencies.
Hahaha.
But yes.
I'm desperate.
I truly am.
I am myself alone.
And I want someone.
It's really sad that I find my whole day to be ruined if I don't get to see even a glimpse of your face.
That I look forward to coming to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays just because you're there.
That I get excited for school because I get to see you at least a small portion of 300 minutes a week.
That I'm motivated to trudge to school every morning to see your boyish smile even if it's for a second.
Yes, I'm professing my interest in you on my blog.
And I know that I sound like a stalker.
But believe me, if you are not straight and if you're willing to have me, you'll come to know that I'm a really nice person.
I'm not saying that I love you.
Because I really have no idea who you are.
Facebook and formspring and my own observations can tell me certain things about you, but ultimately, I know nuts about the kind of person you are.
And I want to know.
And I want you to know me.
And I want the next smile I see from you to be a smile that's directed to me.
To give me the slightest hope that there's a chance.
Because I'm in a period where I feel like a lovefool.
And I'm okay with that, because I want to take a break from feeling hopeless.
Because I want to give this chance and I want to give it my all.
And I hope that it somehow gets reciprocated.
That god, no matter much He is against this, hears my pleas and give me a chance at love.
Or to feel, at the very least, affection from someone other than my family members.
The lovey-dovey kind, but not the saccharine kind.
I'm happy with a normal relationship.
I'm happy to have the basics.
Because basically, I just want to love and be loved.
I've said it before and I just said it again.
So yes, I may not be the best person at expressing my inhibitions, but I hope that you see enough of my stolen glances, my deliberate, minor actions to get your attention.
My interest in you.
Because fantasies can only last me so long.
They're amazing company.
But it gets tiring to have to come up with a fantasy every night just to ensure that I can sleep soundly.
Call me deluded.
But I will keep hoping.
And maybe.
Just maybe.
If I can find it in myself to strike a conversation with you one of these days.
I just might.
I just might.
8:58 PM
