13 June 2011
Thank You, Amirul, for Not Giving up Yet.Okay.
I know what I said.
What I declared.
About 5 1/2 months ago.
Moments before (maybe it was after) the new year started.
I was confident that I would change.
Be different.
Better.
But I think I've failed.
Massively.
Again.
And I'm very disappointed.
Utterly frustrated with myself.
With how weak and pathetic I am.
The past two weeks I've felt like dying.
Because I went through every active second.
Consciously knowing that I'm letting it go to waste.
While I know that time that's enjoyed wasted is not really wasted.
Because I enjoyed it.
But there's been a heaviness.
An almost tangible sense of guilt that hovers around me.
Like I could feel it attach to my skin the moment I wake up.
And I've been sleeping and waking up at weird hours.
I feel like a pig.
No.
I think even pigs are more regular than that.
I've just been so screwed up.
And I will say it now honestly.
I may have said it before.
I think I procrastinate.
I avoid.
I sleep.
I turn away.
I don't pick up my phone.
I don't check my e-mails.
I don't reply SMSes.
I don't answer. To others.
And to myself.
Because I'm tired.
And I'm lazy.
No.
It's really because I'm just a coward.
One who runs away because he doesn't want to face reality.
Because I think it's too hard.
That I've had enough.
That it's the holidays.
And that no one's watching when I'm hiding.
But it's 2 weeks into the holidays.
And it's officially the 3rd Monday of the month.
And I haven't got anything done.
Nothing. At. All.
And that makes me sick.
It gives me a headache.
Thinking of how I've remarkably managed to accomplish nothing.
I watched things.
Shows and other stuff.
Stuff that I turn to when I'm bored.
Or feeling anything else.
And it's unhealthy.
And I've deleted a lot of the things that I've watched.
It's the second time.
It may be the third.
I'm not too sure.
But what I am sure of is that.
Yet again.
I'm trying to change.
And even if I've lapsed for the past months.
It's okay.
It's okay.
For someone who's helping himself.
Who's pulling himself through his own mess.
Who only has himself to trust.
I think it's okay.
So, yes.
I may have failed.
And I may fail again.
But I will persist.
And I will keep trying.
And it may be a continuous cycle.
But I will keep trying.
Because if I don't, who will?
Yep.
CTs.
Here I come.
12:37 AM
