29 March 2011
I think that's my problem.
I love holding on to a possibility.
To possibilites.
To the fantasy.
That's how it's been with you for 4 years and counting.
My idol of the moment is Britney Spears.
So let me use her as a metaphor or allegory or parallel.
I've been robbed of the opportunity to catch her when she was at her prime.
Or when her career was at its height.
Her golden age of sorts.
And yet now, when she's so lackluster (performance-wise and publicity-wise too), I find myself totally obsessed with her.
I'm attacted by the whole allure of the "perhaps..."
Perhaps the nightmare of post-VMA Britney will end.
Perhaps she will one day put on her dancing shoes and actually dance.
Perhaps all the wrongs that's been controlling her life will cease so that I get to feel happy for her.
Perhaps the day will come when I feel glad and satisfied simply because she's liberated.
And that's what keeps me wanting more from her.
Because there's always that chance, no matter how slight it may be, that it could happen.
I thrive on that.
But the reality is, that's also known as naivety.
Banking against all odds.
Am I sick and twisted and hopeless because of that?
I don't know. Maybe.
Maybe I am wasting my time for something that may very well not happen.
But, you know.
Once the hope is gone.
Once hoping is gone, no matter how blind it is.
What else do you have to look forward to?
It's the same as getting what you want.
You work so hard to get something and once you actually get it.
The irony sets in.
That you actually feel a certain sense of loss.
The chase or the journey or the adventure of getting someplace is more addictive than actually getting there.
And so I guess I can, when push comes to shove, only blame myself.
For wasting my time on you.
For praying and fantasizing and creating worlds of seemingly impossible possibilities.
For thinking that we'd have a chance.
For thinking that I'd have you in the end.
Or even if not you.
For thinking that I'll find happiness at the end of the road.
What road, I don't know.
But I guess I'm on it now and I'm looking and just hoping, hoping something amazing falls from the sky.
So Britney.
No matter how many sucky performances you shove in my face.
No matter how long it takes for you to get your mojo back.
No matter the shade that people throw at you.
You can count on me to stick it through with you.
Because I like to believe.
And everytime I stumble upon something or someone that seems like a lost cause and yet I still believe only to be disappointed again and again.
I'll have your words to comfort me.
"Oops!... I Did It Again!"
10:52 PM
