I spent the enitre night reading X-Men-related comics.
I love it.
Comics should be a form of literature that more people should take seriously.
It's really, really enjoyable.
5:09 AM
25 November 2010
I wonder if anyone's done any official research on how to survive loneliness. No, how to live through loneliness.
I'm lonely, not alone, I know. But I'm very lonely. Very.
That's why I'm writing so many posts lately. That's why this post is preceded by the previous one in less than 5 minutes.
4:52 AM
I was thinking... What if someone asks me... "How would you describe a day in the life of Amirul?"
Well.
During Week of Dirt (Dirty Week), I would say...
My evil and pathetic (but really handy) LG netbook, my bed, its different bed sheets, food, water, sleep, my four walls, the toilet, medicine, the fan (that's really important), my PSP, television marathons, nastiness, ange, laziness, late nights, hopes, dreams and bucketloads of self-pity.
I actually wanted to state only the netbook. As much as apt as it may be, I don't think it justifies the sorry state that I'm in.
4:43 AM
I feel lonely. I'm watching Gossip Girl. I need to pee.
2:21 AM
24 November 2010
I'm calling this week Dirty Week.
I just watched the series finale of Prison Break (the telemovie The Final Break.) I need to remember to brace myself for the unexpected everytime I watch a series finale episode. Prison Break's one was brutal and unintentionally funny (I presume.) Most of all, it was sad. Simply sad. I got my heart broken just at the thought of having someone you love die and you not having enough time to think of how to spend those last few seconds with him (or in this case, not even having the opportunity to think.) I almost cried but underneath the tears that welled up at my eyes was a shred of hope or optimism. But really, I felt sad. It's never an easy feeling when you know the hero of the whole series just died. I mean, it's not hard to comprehend the possibility, but the aftermath, the emotions, the pain, the loss, the emptiness... it's beyond comprehension. I wonder, if I'm already feeling so much hurt over the loss of one fiction character, what sort of crazy would I be if such misfortune were ever to cross my path? It's all thought-provoking and seriously stress-inducing.
So please, series producers and executives of television networks worldwide, please do all of us television fanatics a favour and not axe shows when they've yet to live long enough. We can't bear having to go through the shock and suffering of a series finale only after a season or two. Seriously, it's not cool man. Why you playin' with us?
So long, Prison Break, you may rest in peace with gems such as Alias, Eli Stone, Privileged and other unfortunate masterpieces on the other side... That is unless you can break out from that side. Alright, getting lame. Bye!
7:56 PM
22 November 2010
I think they're called worry dreams. Or at least, that's what I'll call them.
Also, I'll be keeping my fantasies to myself. I will blind myself to the temptations around me.
I'm alone at home right now. There's a lot that I can do. Yet I choose to do so little. But little is good.
I'm listening to this new (sort of) artist, Daley. He's featured on Gorillaz's new single 'Doncamatic'. I still have no idea what that means. I love his voice and I love his style. He's quite good-looking too. That's always a plus, right? But yes, I love his recordings at BBC Electric Proms. The shit thing is, I can't figure out how to rip them off the website. Ugh. But I'll keep trying. Check this out:
6:15 PM
21 November 2010
I understand now how one gets elaborate (and bizarre) dreams. It might be the jetlag from the trip. I've been having dreams everytime I close my eyes the past few days. Heck, I even dream when I fell asleep in the MRT. Though I don't quite remember what each dream entails, I do know who/what they involved.
There was something about...
Being late or not taking my 'O' Level Higher Malay paper. This dream is weird because I'd already sat for the paper over a week ago. I guess the worry is still innate within me.
Vampires. I think I dreamt about them.
Having to choose between going for a school trip with my Malay class and my sister's wedding. This dream was tres strange. First of all, I don't think I would go for such a trip. And my sister's marriage? Don't get me started on that. The central issue of this dream was that I was in a dilemma and I had to make a decision fast. For some stupid reason, it took me a long while to realize that if ever I was in such a predicament, the most logical choice would be to stick with family. Hahaha. Silly me.
Zombies. I was killing them, they were killing me. I was on the floor, and they killed me to consciousness.
Yep, such dreams are possible if you're tired enough. Fatigue brings out the queerest of dreams.
2:29 PM
20 November 2010
There was something else that I wanted to write before what I'm about to write below. But I forgot. Until that thought resurfaces, I'll continue.
I would like to present a quote from James Frey's memoir 'A Million Little Pieces'. Remember my previous post? I wrote that yesterday. I read the pages of this quote just this morning. The coincidence is frightening. It's as though he stole the words right off my chest. So honest, apt, painful but nevertheless still isn't the perfect encapsulation of my emotions. Truth be told, I don't think it's possible to write it in words. But Frey really echoes my pain so swiftly and bluntly. They're exactly the words I would use to explain to a common idiot who would never get it anyway. (No, I do not take alcohol, drugs and I do not kill. Neither do I intend to do any of those things ever. Never have, never will. So do yourself a favour and intelligently relate/substitute those parts with my context and situation.)
This part made my eyes water, at the brink of crying, hindered only by the realization that I was in public. If I wouldn't cry in front of family, why would I cry in public? There was a particular part of the book, however, that did make me cry and almost cry unstopably. I don't remember which page it was at, but I had something to do with disappointing others, especially family, and losing them. It described the feeling of loss in a way that was beyond heartbreaking. In a way that made me realize I risk facing that cold, hard reality. I felt sad for him, but ultimately and selfishly, I felt sad for myself more.
Anyway, here's the quote that I've been talking about. The words speak for themselves.
"I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of people. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror. I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream adn that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness lives in . I hate that what I have turned to in my loneliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon.
I hate that I will die alone.
I will die alone in my horror.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn't alone.
I can run fast when I want to run fast, and I've always been good at destroying things."
8:48 PM
19 November 2010
Hi.
I'm 16.
I cried contemplating the nature of my death.
I'm scared I'll die alone.
It makes me sad.
I cry in the toilet.
I cried in the toilet.
But I can only cry silently.
No one ever knows I cry.
I know they cry.
And I know I cry.
It hurts.
I'm hurting so much.
I'm in pain.
It is very sad.
I'm not mad.
I'm sad.
I feel alone.
So sad.
9:31 PM
08 November 2010
I am in the midst of deciding my combination for 'A' Levels. It's actually a really difficult process. Who knew a 16-year-old teenager had to force himself to think seriously about his future. How times have change. Thinking about the future, like way deep down into the future, makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm scared of the unknown and this is as unknowing as it gets. I am 87% settles on English & Linguistics, Literature, Mathematics, Biology and General Paper. Yes, I am a proponent of the English language. And yes, I am also a thoroughly proud supporter of my native language, Malay. I love the languages. YES. I should be revising Higher Malay stuff. The 'O' Level paper is in a day's time. So is the graduation night which I could give shit for. To quote K$K$ (K$ha you dumdum!): "You can't even imagine the immensity of the fuck I'm not giving about your..." You get the picture. One thing that I most certainly do care about (besides the 'O' Level paper) is the trip to London. Imma be like a jetsettin' star come Wednesday, yeh. If it wasn't for my friends who I care for, I wouldn't have wanted to go for the stupid dinner. It holds little meaning or significance to me. I honestly would rather stay at home and watch my tv shows like the loser that I am. But I digress... And nag way too much. Right. I'm going to go read up on Malay stuff. I'll see you around. One more thing. Rihrih's album, Loud, is quite solid. I like it. Especially when she (whether or not forcibly) uses her Bajan twang. It makes me want to gyrate the lower regions of my body in ways that only Ms. Fenty knows how as in her plausible though not at all feeble attempt at dancing in her Rude Boy video. Yes, I just typed a whole sentence that's a redundancy in itself when I could've just mentioned the video. Alright then. I'm sleepy. Good night.
11:52 PM
04 November 2010
I just had an epiphany.
My handle on the English language (sentence structure, spelling, vocabulary, grammar etc.) was horrible back when I was younger.
I am thoroughly embarrassed.
I needed to learn how to edit before I posted anything.
I know better now. Thank god.
2:41 AM
I want me to remember this:
The easiest way to run away is to be forgotten.
Don't forget this.
Also, royal pains is the new privileged.
Good luck for the Higher Malay 'O' Level paper.
I'm going to have to let go of the past 4 years. I don't like it. I really don't. Please don't ask me why.
