21 January 2009
i used to laugh so much.
so much so that it'd hurt or tear me up.
and that was when i never felt afraid of expressing myself.
that was when i could just turn to aliff and just say mostly whatever was on my mind at that time.
anything at all.
from questioning a teacher's wardrobe choice to what happened during german class the previous day.
it was so much fun. even if it was a distraction, i knew i could just turn to my left and roll my eyes at what had been said.
i felt safe opening up and sharing the dirty little secrets and inappropriate (sometimes downright lame) truths & jokes.
even when it wasn't so funny, we'd at least smile or giggle in acknowledgment.
yeah, childish but it felt liberating.
classes are so boring and letting my thoughts out to the guy next to me seems like a fair enough solution to the problem.
but yet, now it's entirely different.
i'm not the one laughing or making stupid comments to the person next to me.
i'm not the one who cares much about the sometimes ridiculous innuendos that everyone in class seem to enjoy so much.
innuendo seems to be a commodity, something that is accepted openly in my class.
no restrictions, no filter, no nothing.
as a matter of fact, anything can be made into an innuendo.
yeah, it could be funny.
but it's not
that funny.
honestly, too much of one thing is just, well,
too much.
i find myself in a position where if you don't laugh or at least try to laugh, then you'll look stupid.
or worse, out of place.
everyone's having a good time. while i'm just waiting for mine.
while at the same time, questioning who's my friend and whther i have any at all (in class).
could you ever justify using someone like a Kleenex?
use onethen dispose it?
(in this case it's not entirely thrown away, in case of future use. you know what i mean.)
it's all much too familiar.
why should i be the on who feels troubled about the way i behave around everyone everytime during lessons?
i hate pondering and doubting myself and my friendships.
i don't want sec1 all over again.
i want sec2.
but mostly.
want i want so badly right now.
...
i want to laugh again.
7:21 PM
