06 September 2008
hey amirul.
how's life?
wonderful?
didn't think so.
i'm sad. not the kind of sad that you show.
but the kind of sad that's deep inside your heart.
so deep that it's been in me for as long as i can remember.
i'm unsatisfied with my life.
with myself.
my friendships are so screwed.
i know, i'm rambling about the same old thing all over again, aren't i?
that's a perfect example.
it just shows that i've not been able to get over the matter since the last time.
haven;t you noticed?
i've ruined every single close friendship i've ever had.
my only chances of having a close friend.. all ruined..
by me!
why? cause i'm unsatisfied.
i want a friend.
a
FRIEND.
you know the ones who understand you truly..
the ones who'll never really tell you what's soo bad about yourself evnthough it's super obvious cause they don't wanna break your heart.
the ones who share the same, maybe not fully, stands as you do.
the ones who you can just be so open to.
the ones you can be angry with but never too angry cause they'll never neglect the friendship
the ones you can be yourself with.. laugh out loud, cry, fool around, act gay, tell stupid jokes.
the ones that you see on tv.
the ones that i know are out there but i've yet to find.
the ones i know i'll find when i grow up.
the once i know i'll find once i'm out all this.
all these superficial friendships.
all these baseless, selfish, unfair, heartbreaking friendships.
the type of friends who lie.
who keep secrets from you.
who always judges you.
who's never at your side to support you emotionally.
who'll always have others to go to other than you.
the type of friend who's not really the friend cause he doesn't like you.
no one really likes me, you know.
i'm a bitch.
i've said it before.. in jest..
but really. no one likes me.
i'm not just saying it for the sake of it.
but i'm really saying it.
NO ONE LIKES ME.
i go around acting all snub cause i dont like certain people.
that even my own friends don't like me.
you know why i'm like that?
why i'm always acting all fierce and strong face?
why i always look so mean and serious?
it's cause i dont want to be vulnerable.
i don't want to let my guard down.
cause then..
then people will start to get to me.
it's bad enough that i've no true friends to start off with..
so i depend on myself..
to stay strong and make sure that i'll be able to defend myself.
it's just so unfair, you know..
how EVERYONE has a friend or two.. or three..
heck.
everyone can be his friend.
sometimes i wish to have that many friends.
but then i think.. and i know..
i don't want superficial friends.
i want it to be real.
i want it to be meaningful.
i want to run away to another country.. to another school..
i want to be missed.. i want to be appreciated..
i want a friend.
am i asking for too much?
i don't thik so.
12:11 AM
