18 May 2008
im bitter.
maybe jealous.
envious might be a little extreme.
but it could be true.
today was the hockey 6-aside(prob 5) carnival thing.
my group didn't win butt he other group did.
that isn't really the subject of my bitterness.
there's more to it.
but i'm not going to say it.
it'll make me sound like a sore loser when that's not really what it is.
i think i'm troubled.
maybe not in it's entirety.
but i do think there's something wrong with me.
question:
how does one feel when he is depressed?
i need to know.
maybe then i'd be able to help myself.
failure affects me real badly.
so it seems.
so does embarrassment.
and because of this.
because i've not been getting what i truly want while others do.
i think i'm easily envious and ambitious.
and so hard on myself.
take for instance:
when i signed up for tuition.
my aim was to get better scores than my previous ones.
but now it's more of getting better scores than others.
that's way off my aim(moral, if that's it)
i i really think that karma lurks around every corner.
because i wanna get better than others.
i tend to get cruel intentions.
this would in turn cause me to not get what i want.
and thank god i realize this.
i don't want my ego to get the better of me.
so that's why i think.
i think i should redeem myself.
collect all the pieces of the person i used to be.
strong. mostly independent. happy.
then i can focus on life.
my studies.
my aspiration.
my family.
my friends. (god, i hope i find one who doesn't judge.)
oh. friends.
i hope i could have friends like blair, chuck, nate & serena.
"we're your best friends. we're the non-judging breakfast club."
i'm scared of always being labeled.
of always acting indifferent towards people's comments.
i want true friends.
and mostly because of this.
i want to run away.
in search of a better life.
but i'm still young, right?
maybe i shouldn't even be thinking of all these.
but please.
if there's someone out there who understands me.
maybe.
show me a sign.
soemthing to let me know that there's still hope.
please.
9:30 PM
