25 April 2008
this blog is outdated.
almost like how i feel.
i guess you can call my feelings put together as somewhat depressing.
but somehow i'm able to suppress it.
here's what it feels like to be me at this point of time:
- deprived of voicing my feelings to others
- having to deal with those who just want to get it their way
- always questioning the loyalty of those close to me
- defining 'close to me'
- avoid from being a victim of loneliness
- having to work so damn hard to please/do well
- constantly pressured to get good(better than just pass) results(at least for maths & science & english)
- chasing after god knows what
- but most importantly: feeling a certain emptiness, something i might have lost(perhaps?) every single day; something i could turn to
and to top it off, being sick.
literally.
im not quite certain whether or not you're my close friend, be it now or since the start of our friendship, because it's really really damn hard for me to like you sometimes.
yeah, we laugh a lot and look like best friends, but most of the time i feel like what we're doing is- "haha yeah thats good, but look, i can do better."
or
"look, everyone's talking to me, who's talking to you? why don't you just come over to MY group of friends to save yourself from looking stupid & lonely."
it gets tiring.
it gets tiring coz i always feel it.
i know that you're always looking from the tip of your eyes.
waiting for me to be at my worst.
i know, we'd be close most of the times.
but if you can tell, the times we silently hate on each other is a lot.
and i dont think thats what close friends do.
it's just wrong.
but i have to get this straight.
i dislike you sometimes because of the little things i expect you not to do.
it's like you're always trying to make me jealous.
it's irritating, you know that?
and i do it back to you only because i have the opportunity to.
and it's not as much as you.
beacuse people would rather turn to you than me.
why? cause you're always kind and sweet towards them.
while im always the one who's straightforward.
so really, i dont think its their fault they compare sometimes.
but yeah.
i just hope you'd stop it.
on to another matter.
another friend of mine actaually.
im not quite sure what is wrong with you.
why you all of a sudden give me the cold shoulder.
i mean this seriously.
ever since 2/3 weeks ago, you've not talked to me.
not even smile when you look at me.
and i clearly remember nothing happened the week before.
i don't know what happened. i know i didnt do anything wrong.
i remember we were laughing and normal on the previous friday.
for 2 whole weeks, you know?
you didn't talk, tell me your sick jokes, or even approach me.
it really hurts, not knowing why.
it feels as though i did something wrong.
but i didn't.
i wish you'd tell me but i think if you're going to make it last longer than it already is, than what's the point in asking anyway.
i see you've even found other people to talk to.
ohgosh.
my friendships are really quite messed up, huh?
i think there's something wrong with me.
and i'm sure you think so too.
10:38 PM
